Tuesday, July 9, 2019 | Posted by Football Fan’s Diet Front Office
Coach Coarksoaker is extremely irate at Scratch this week. He pooped the bed in Week 6. Now then, let’s get ready for Coach’s presser. He is in a particularly foul mood today and we suspect that change is afoot on The Football Fan’s Diet Season 48.
What did Scratch do well?
“Nothing. Really about the only thing he scratched well last week was counting calories—ferkin’ yaksplit! At least he got a handle on the size of this fat assness because he counted calories and hated every moment of it, something which also impaired his ability to enjoy beer and eat like there’s no friggin’ tomorrow. The problem with this dumbass is that this ain’t Rocky III—there is a tomorrow! And, tomorrow this guy will be fatter.”
“That being said, Scratch was able to sit down today and take a good hard look at what those numbers told him. Those numbers told him he sucks. Those numbers told him he will not lose weight with weeks like this, Fourth of July or no Fourth of July. You just don’t Drink all that beer and hope to make any progress at all. What is he nuts?”
“But again, the one thing he did do well was count all those f’n calories. It came as a shock to him when he realized he gave up over 5,000 cals in beer last week, which translated to about 38 drinks of 150 cal per drink. Of course this was consumed over the course of a holiday week starting Tuesday that ended on Sunday, and that does not even make it sound better.”
“How he only gained a couple pounds is beyond me? Maybe the guy needs to check into AA or something… More than two drinks a day for a guy is considered abusing alcohol, so what the hell would you call what he did last week? He abused alcohol. He abused The Football Fan’s Diet.”
What does he have to change?
“Everything. We’re going to start with the daily gameday objective of this week. Scratch is not allowed to have beer. He blew it last week when he guzzled over 5,000 cal of it. The new DGO aims to alleviate the need to obsess over calories and how many he consumes.”
“From now on calories will only serve to provide a picture of what transpired. That is what counting calories is really good for after all, anyway… I’ve seen it, believe me, sometimes high calories don’t mean diddly lot if it’s all mostly healthy foods and sometimes little or low calories results in barely a weight loss or even a weight gain.”
“Counting calories is not the end game here. The endgame here is losing weight and therefore what really should be the judge of Scratch’s progress is when the scale moves the F down. So this is a new type of daily game day objective were going to run from now on. Here it is…”
If the scale goes down, he scores.
If the scale goes up, the fat man scores.
Exercise still available
Having a beer still is giving up a field goal.
What? A Beer is a Field Goal or is drinking any beer a field goal.
“Each beer is a field goal. You got mud in your ears? In fact, each beer will be a field goal given up. Conversely, each half hour of exercise will be a field goal. I’ll give the fat bastard that…. If he works out for an hour, he should get two field goals. Only seems fair.”
What else will change?
“A bunch… Scratch is going to “re-calibrate” his ass to enjoying social activities without having beer or alcohol. You know, this sumbitch came up with this stupid ass Football Fan’s Diet mostly so he could figure out an excuse to include beer drinking in his lifestyle. But, let me tell you, Scratch is a major D’bag here. You see, for years he has made the weekend beer his goal—and still does. That is his problem and for the first time he really saw it when he saw how bad The Fat Man put up beer calories.”
“I looked at the freakin’ records in the front office. Going back to 2009, there was probably only one week in his life, that he went a whole friggin’ week without any beer at all.”
“What the hell will be giving up anyway? He can still yap at the bar with a soda and lime in his hand, right? Good lord, think of all the calories he will save. If he didn’t have all that goddamned beer last week, that 5,000 freakin’ calories, then he would have lowered his net calorie average to around 1,800. No freaking joke.”
How long will this no beer rule go into a effect?
“We’ll see how long he can sustain it, but it is time he do this. If he wants to see what his ass looks like in the mirror at 270 sometime in July, it’s the only way.”
Is this really doable for Scratch?
“Don’t know. But, we’ll find out.”
Why is he going to give up beer now, after all these years?
“If he would not have drank any beer last week, he would have lost weight. Because he did, he gained weight. I said that already. Now, he needs to buckle up and get ready to play the game—the health game.”
A club soda with lime—WTF?
“Well, the Godfather ordered one in Godfather II, when Michael Corleone was giving his inept brother Fredo the lowdown on Hymen Roth in Havana. I think it is good that we add this to his playbook and let him get used to it. God knows we can keep him away from the bar so why not see if you can handle I’m nonalcoholic drink?”
Isn’t this a diet where you can have beer?
“Yes, but no. Not 38 beers in a week. Not 5,000 plus F’n calories of beer in a week. Are you F’n nuts? Maybe you are.”
So what gives about counting calories then?
“There is definetly a place for it. However, the calories no longer are tied to the DGO. They have little scoring value, compared to the result we want—which is to see the damn F’n scale go down.”
“This new objective as simple, when the scale goes down he scores! Don’t get me wrong though, counting calories helps and will always help.”
Counting calories are extremely beneficial in pointing out trends. I don’t think Scratch would have realized how many beer calories he gave up last week, if it were not for the data behind them. However, meeting calorie levels is really not an end game unto itself.
“We want to the F’n scale to go down. The weight must go down. That is the end game.”
But isn’t focusing on weight, bad for your mental mindset?
“I have heard that said, but you know what—its the result we are after. Get that damn f’n weight to go down. Yes there will be fluctuations, but week to week, that goddamned scale needs to go down if we are to be champions. This means a lot to a big large fat ass like Scratch. There will be no better time to celebrate then when he steps on that scale and it shows the 220s. Hell, according to some chart, he should be a buck 90. Can you imagine him at that weight. I wouldn’t not recognized him.”
Is 270s still a realistic target for “sometime in July?”
“Yes. It will be hard, but we are going to die trying. When I was in Vietnam, I fought to the last minute. Scratch gonna fight for the last pound? I bet he will.”
You were in the war Coach?
“No. What gave you that idea. I was married once though, does that count?”
There you have it folks, Coach Coarksoaker’s Pisser, eh, Presser for Week 7 of the Football Fan’s Diet.