Styling the fat man: Do you belt the rings of Saturn or the surface of the gas giant?

I know life is tough for lots of folks who fit into one or many demographics in this crazy world. There are certainly more oppressed and those facing a lot more pressing issues than that of the fat man. However, the modern-day fat man does deal with his own stigmas and a myriad of issues that other normal skinny people just don’t have to deal with—and the whole point of this site is being there for you the fat man.

It is our opinion that as a fabulous fat man you deserve to look damn good. After all, you are working on your health. We know that, but you still should look damn good until your fat is gone. You got a belly. Big deal. You are prosperous, portly and proud my friend. You only need to reel it in and get into shape. You will get there. Until then, look your best.

Styling The Fat Man: How To Belt The Bulge

This installment of styling the fat man focuses on a common problem then I think a lot of pudgy people face. Where do you put the belt on the fat man? How to wrap that leather around a bowling bowl? this is not an easy problem to solve.

A big beer gut is much like a dude having a big boob on his stomach. A one cup bra that could support a kangaroo would work better than a belt intended to hold up that circus tent with a zipper. Hey, I can talk this way because I have still kind of that fat guy too.

You see the problem is that a fat man has two waist sizes. The first goes around his hips and under the belly (classic dick-do); The second goes around the gut, which is like an extended ring around a planet. Let us be clear that being a fat man, you are a gaseous giant—probably from all that chili.

If you go the route of putting a belt on the planet (or maybe two planets if you consider your buttocks as two binary rocky objects), you go under the boob gut, under the dick-do. If you belt above the navel, or around the boob gut, then you need a little more length as in this case I believe your belting the outer ring of the planet Saturn and you are trying to compress that huge ring of fat around your hips.

I have tried both methods to varying degrees of success. Here is what I can tell you about what looks the best.

Going around the boob gut, around that big blubber flab, is the best option if your shirt must be tucked in.

If you don’t have to tuck your shirt in for work then I think you can go under the belly, under the dick-do, and wear the shirt out. This creates a little bit more of a looser look. It certainly is the more comfortable option. But this option can give the fat man the false security of thinking he is skinny and sometimes, depending on how you sized your circus tent pants, this creates other styling issues such as droopy fat man butt.

The main issue with belting around the boob gut or the outer ring of Saturn is that a couple squats here and there, an effort to tie shoes, or pick up a pen, then suddenly the belt slides naturally back underneath on its own gravitational pull from the boob gut back to the planet Saturn into the land of dick-do. This results in that very droopy fat man butt look. 

I am noticing that as I have begun to lose some weight to the tune of 20 pounds pounds so far, I can wear my pants much higher with each pound I shed. They will actually hang on the boob gut. There are interesting affects created by this pant higher look.

The length of my pants fall and break better as the cuffs hit the shoes higher, where they should. For a while I thought I had shrunk height wise or bought the wrong length of pants because it seems like I was always fraying the cuffs of my pants as my shoes would stomp on them.

It was then that I discovered I was simply wearing my pants underneath the belly, belting the dick-do, which was far too low on my body. This created that butt dumpy frumpy look and frayed cuffs too long on the shoes, to say nothing of emphasizing my enormous beer gut that was always ready to bust through that last button that should go behind the fly.  

One of the problems I had wrestled with when I actually had to go to a job which required a neat and well groomed look of having the shirt tucked in every day is that I would get a bigger belt, wear it around the outer ring boob gut, only to watch it inevitably slip down under the dick do to the planet Saturn, as I would do something like get up or sit down or two-second rule an errant french fry on the floor.

I have read that a solution to this belting conundrum for some really big fatsos is to wear suspenders. That is a stylish look but one in which I am not ready to rock. I think suspenders look pretty good on a guy that is skinny because it is an unusual fashion statement. But suspenders on a pair of pants the size of a circus tent—not so good.  

One of the other things I am noticing lately is that as I slowly lose weight on intermittent fasting is that the outer ring, my boob gut, and the planet below, are slowly fusing together. I still have a ways to go and I still wrestle with that belt slipping from the outer ring down to the planet area dick-do but it seems like I can go longer and longer with that belt placed around the boob gut.  

Remember this too about about overweight people wearing extra large clothing. If you’re a large guy, don’t way overdue the extra large clothing you need. If you are a 2 XL wear a 2 XL. Don’t wear a 4 XL and think you look a lot skinnier. I think really big fat guys that wear clothing that is still too big for them is worse than donning clothes that are a little too snug. 

There you have it my friend—styling tips for the modern fat man. My advice from one pudgy friend to another.

Until next time, enjoy the view from the outer ring boob gut as eventually it will go away and you won’t any longer be buying pants they can fit an outer gas giant planet like Saturn. Maybe then you will be shopping for Earth-sized clothing and your dick-do will be but a thing of your fat past.

Check back again for styling the fat man tips on the Football Fan’s Diet.