Do real men manscape?

Friday, May 17, 2019 | Posted by Scratch

A strange conversation befell our motley gang of middle-aged men at the bar the other night— it involved our nuts. Yes, those nuts.

You see, there has been radio commercials on Pittsburgh sports talk lately about this thing called “Manscaping” where apparently guys are now in the habit of shaving their balls. The question I ask is this: do real men do this sort of thing?

This schlong smacks as a metrosexual or millennial thing to me. I mean keeping the bean bag clean is usually the one and only rule for the nut sack, right?

It surprised me to no end that a company was sweeping into the ball zone as an unabashed opportunity to make some money. What the hell else can you do down there anyway besides keep it clean?

I went straight to the horse’s mouth on this one—the Manscaped.com website. These are the folks peddling ball shavers during my drive home from work. These Manscaped folks even got local sports personality Andrew Filliponi on 93.7 The Fan talking about his nuts between updates on the Steelers and Pirates updates.

Hearing this radio guy wax about waxing his nuts made me wonder if manscaping is a commercial that only the newest guy or lowest talking head on the totem pole is required to read?

For my dollar, another man should NOT be talking about his nuts on the radio to other men—this is a job better left to a sultry sounding chick.

Please, don’t challenge me on that.

But I digress. If one were to chop the jungle down there, it baffled me as to what special tools are required for effective manscaping. Couldn’t you get away with tools already in the medicine cabinet?

A quick look at the Manscaped website reveals they offer two implements to weed whack your tallywacker: the first is an electric shaver called the “Lawnmower” and the second is a bigger one called the “Lawnmower 2.0”.

Both look like normal electric shavers to me, so I am wondering if this is just a marketing angle. I mean if you were going to shave your balls, why not use a normal electric shaver or pair of scissors or whatever works? While I find the prospects of shaving the nuggets dubious, why not save a buck and use tools readily available in the house?

The Lawnmower touts itself as a tool that is, “uniquely designed for a man’s below-the-waist zone, this trimmer fits in the palm of your hand for optimal maneuverability and accuracy around hard-to-navigate and sensitive areas.”

Okay? What about the Lawnmower 2.0? Does it represent a radically enhanced ball shaver of the basic smaller Lawn Mower?

Manscaped describes their next generation nut sack whacker as, “an electric trimmer worthy of getting up close and personal with your family jewels. Designed and made specifically for below-the-waist grooming, it’s the right tool for the job!”

Rest assured, they have options for the cheapo too.

If you simply want to use a razor on your balls they have The Plow, which is engineered, “carefully to shave any area and perfectly weighted for effortless and safe use.” This premium safety razor helps prevent skin irritation and razor bumps, claims the Manscaped site.

I am glad they don’t have any How-To videos on using The Plow. If you ask me, when someone holds a knife to a man’s bag it better be in a mafia film.

Now back to the question: do real men shave their nuts?

Call me a skeptic but I think the need for manscaping is simply the concoction of a wise entrepreneurial mind—and God bless he or she for it—convincing men we need to start shaving our balls.

The Manscaped website offers no clues but claims that 80-percent of women like a trimmed dingdong area, at least according to an “independent study.”

I am reminded of the Bombas sock people that donate half their socks to homeless people, while getting rich and looking cool while doing so.

When it comes to Bombas there is really nothing wrong with giving socks to homeless people for every pair you sell. But, like the manscapers, the skeptic in me thinks this is just a clever marketing stunt. After all, how much better can you make a fucking sock?

Cheap socks are thin and good ones are thicker, but according to the Bombas sock folks their special socks are rather special:

“Working closely with our giving partners, we engineer clothing to specifically meet the needs of people who don’t have the luxury of putting on clean clothes every day, such as anti-microbial finishes, reinforced seams and darker colors to show less visible wear.”
— Bombas sock website

Sounds like you got a good marketing guy to come up with a new way to schlep some socks pals.

Back to shaved balls.

I have had no such complaints personally (or publicly for that matter) for enhanced below the waist, so-called “manscaping” and thus do not see this is as some area of grooming neglect. Therefore, I am not convinced that women are clamoring for bald eagles.

I could say they likely want the bag fresh and clean—a golden standard of men’s grooming yet to be supplanted.

Oh, they probably want it to work too.

All this manscaping got me thinking. Are there other opportunities to be made with the balls? Here is an idea: why not come up with ball spray? We can tell folks it is our philanthropic business model to rid the world of stinky nuts?

Well, you guessed it, somebody did.

There is a company called Ballsy that schlepps the aptly named “Ball Wash”. They describe Ball Wash as a product that can, “lather your nuts, butt, and body in an invigorating activated charcoal body wash featuring 10 essential oils and plant extracts that moisturizes, cleanses and leaves you smelling fantastic.”

For deez long-lasting fresh nuts, I might fork over a buck or two.

However, why not just use Head and Shoulders as Head Below Shoulders? Shouldn’t the result be the same—nice smelling bushland? The hair down there is the same as the hair up top, right?

In the end, I can’t be sold on manscaping. That being said, if I am so inclined to trim the hedges, then I will figure it out.

I don’t need a shaving kit named after power tools to do that either. For crying out loud, I don’t want a lawnmower coming anywhere need my family jewels. I will simply use the the Bic for the Dick?

For crying out loud, where will this manscaping madness end? Are there other parts of the human body ripe for product marketing shenanigans too?

The butt comes to mind.

Will Manscaped convince us we need to be mulching our buttholes next? I am not sure what or how that would work, but it seems like “Butt Mulch” is a Manscape product waiting to happen.

Only I won’t’ be waiting for it.

I’ll stick to what has worked best and has served me well over the years—washing the ding, with Irish Spring.