Meet Our New Beached Body Coach Broke Slobberson

Hi guys. I am Broke Slobberson and I want to help you get into shape—not saying a pleasing shape, but a shape nonetheless. The only thing is I don’t want to get my fat ass off this sofa.

I have a special program called “Beached Body” that is guaranteed to change your current shape from the unsightly shape it is into another shape. Moreover, on this insane program, I will get you from the “couch to a coronary” in the fastest amount of time possible.

What’s not to love about my diet?

Broke Slobberson on day 5 of his 21 Day Shitz plan.

Broke Slobberson on day 5 of his 21 Day Shitz plan.

A component of my revolutionary plan is the “21 Day Shitz” workout nutritional plan that can get you started. In a sense, it all starts with picking out a godawful nasty-ass beer like Natural Light or some other cheap ass booze and making that your “shake”" for the next 21 days. You can do that, right?

I bet you have what it takes to be a coach too. I mean the bar is pretty low, just look at me. But, if any of the following qualities of living apply to you, then you will likely be a great Beached Body Coach. Here are the traits we are looking for in a Beached Body coach:

  • Do you pant floor pee? That is do you drop your pants completely to the floor when you urinate in the men’s or lady’s room. If so, you are the kind of attention seeking slob we want to have on our team.

  • Have you replaced the inconvenience of a sit down toilette with a residential wall urinal?

    My full time job besides being a Beached Body coach is that I am a residential wall urinal installer. Hell, I actually own the damn company, Residential Wall Urinals, Inc. Want a part time job? Hey, I am not trying to sell you a shake package here so please consider letting me replace your man cave toilette with a trendy filthy wall urinal right out of a dive bar. I’ll even through in a urinal puck with my likeness on it. From their you just need to convince your asshole friends that they need one too.

  • Do you talk on the cell phone with folks while pooping? On Beached Body you always have to be selling the poop even while you poop. It is part of our unique business model.

  • Do you like being a fake asshole online and smiling about your new car, big house, and commenting on all the d-bags that buy your shakes? Okay, that sounds like you might be a good fit for the other program that is similar sounding in name to Beached Body—I think that plan is called Beach Body.

I could go on and on, but you get the point. If you are comfortable being a fat slob and have no problem convincing friends and family that you have their best interest in mind when you are selling them a garbage cheap “shake” and a lifestyle that they can only wish to attain, then Beached Body is the perfect multi-level marketing scheme for you.

Try it for a few years and if you don’t make any money, you will have plenty of free time available to do something meaningful with your life because all your friends will have abandoned you. One that note, see you at our annual retreat.

It’s at your Mom’s house and we’re all coming.