PITTSBURGH (FFD) - If you are new to the Football Fan’s Diet, you may not know me. I am Coach Rich Corksoaker. I am helping Scratch here whip his fat butt into shape.
It is a thankless task. He has about as many weapons in his offensive arsenal as the Cleveland Browns have had since Jim Brown hung it up.
Anyway, I hate the media, so let’s get this presser over with.
We acknowledge that Scratch is a fatso. He did some okay things, and showed some improvement toward the end of Week 1. Still, he has a long way to go.
His score was good, but let’s not crank each other’s pistons just yet. Scratch barely budged the scale, but it did go down—by the weight of a tomato. He contained his Inner Fat Slob, so that is always good. Beer drinking was down, which is something to build upon.
Scratch completed his first whole week on Season 47 of The Football Fan’s Diet, which involved sticking to the Warrior’s Diet intermittent fasting approach to weight loss. 55 points were put and 9 points were given up. Not bad for this fat slob (Editor’s Note—proof positive that the DGO was too easy. If you score 55 points and give up only 9, the scale should have more than budged a tomato? This fat man needs to make his DGO tougher. See how to pick a DGO if you are in the same boat).
Scratch won every day. Mind you, this was a scrimmage. We had relatively modest goals as a team.
Scratch’s daily gameday objective (DGO) was to fast on the Warrior’s Diet for 20 hours and then allow for a 4 hour eating window—to eat or drink whatever this fat dude wanted.
By the end of the week though, Scratch started having more fruits and vegetables and thereby demonstrated a capacity for eating like a civilized fit human being, which we have not seen before.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday were noticeably more healthy days than then the ones that preceded them. His energy was up the whole time, and as of this update, he is feeling energized. Maybe he kicked that damn cold?
So for week one Scratch met his modest goal of containing his Inner Fat Slob. He played good defense. He scored a touchdown each day.
This week, we will continue that containment, but we aim to improve that 4 hour window opportunity for nutrition.
Now we must turn our focus to this week’s enemy. It is inconsistency.
Scratch has a bunch of “salad crap” he plans to eat, and maybe by the end of the season, he will not call it “salad crap” and by merely changing his vocabulary from that of a fat slob waiting for a surprise coronary episode, to one who respects the bountiful and nourishing healing properties of “salad cap” he will have taken a major step forward. Maybe then, Scratch will be closer to that elusive Super Bowl of Health.
So please stick with Scratch for Week 2 and the entire season. If you are are an overweight fatso like Scratch and you want to start your own Football Fan’s Diet season, post a comment and let Scratch know about your efforts. You can get more healthy or fatter together. God knows we need more fat bodies doing The Football Fan’s Diet. Until then, eat up fatsos!